


Misery Business

by ravenfyre



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Songfic, implied John/Vriska, mild Vriska bashing? More than mild really, this is old
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-01
Updated: 2012-11-01
Packaged: 2017-11-17 14:13:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/552428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ravenfyre/pseuds/ravenfyre
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat Vantas waited too long for John Egbert to let a little thing like Vriska get in his way.</p><p>I actually wrote this over a year ago, but I'm new here, so why not?</p><p>Based on the song: Misery Business by Paramore</p>
            </blockquote>





	Misery Business

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this last year, but I'll copy and paste it, including the notes. Here goes:
> 
> It's happened… it's finally happened…and I had valiantly resisted for… about 4 or 5 years I've been writing fanfics, but it finally got me… a songfic… XD Of course, I'm pretty sure you can't post songfics here, so I took out the lyrics, but you can find that verion on my fanfic tumblr... which is now linked to my profile page
> 
> I kinda like it, I had fun writing it, in either case! So I hope you enjoy it, too! Just take it with a grain of salt.
> 
> Oh! And first off I want to say that while I don't particularly like Vriska, I don't hate her, either… She's like the Quinn Fabray of Troll Glee. It just sorta fits the song. *shrugs*
> 
> Another note: I don't know what sort of universe this is… not the main one obviously, one where everything went almost essentially the same, but the dead are alive again, as whole and complete as they want to be, they're all older, and I don't even know. Make up your own backstory to make this make sense! =D

_I'm in the business of misery  
Let's take it from the top_

Okay, we're fucking going to try to get this story out as quickly and as non-confusing as fucking possible. 

This had gone on long enough. He had bided his time, kept from pressing his shit stain luck, it hadn’t been easy. It was completely unlike him to show the restraint he had in this endeavor. Usually he would do something to fuck things up right out the gate and he’d hate himself, and the universe and everyone in it would ignore him and his plight if they didn’t outright laugh at him for it. Under normal circumstances it would have been damn impossible. He wasn’t the type of guy to simply wait as the shit bricks fell down around him and hoped that he wouldn’t get a steaming pile right in the eye.

His whole life was just a colossal joke. Misery was something he was well acquainted with. Misery was the wimpy kid he had taunted and humiliated as a child and had grown up to be his overlord, holding a grudge, tormenting him for the rest of his life for the idiocy of his youth. He didn’t really remember what he had done to misery, but it must have been pretty fucking bad for the hell he paid for it now. Misery lorded over him and taunted his feeble attempts at happiness, its laugh like serrated chunks of ice slipping down his gullet, tearing up his insides. Misery had a fucking grudge against him. But he knew that this was the one thing in his life that made the wait worth the while. If he could just have this, he could probably put up with the rest of the shit… probably. He had watched, he had waited, it had been painful, but he had acted beautifully, if he did say so himself.

The signs were there, the pieces were falling into place now for Karkat Vantas. For a second there he had been worried that he had misread everything, that he had missed his chance. He worried that his timing would be off, or that there wasn’t a damn thing to actually count down to, and he’d be left waiting forever. He should have never doubted himself. She was so damn predictable, the fucking bitch. This would be the only time that it would work in his favor.

How had it all started? Oh right...

_She's got a body like an hourglass  
That's ticking like a clock_

Vriska Serket had a body like a bombshell (whatever the fuck that meant; Egbert’s words, not his), dynamite in an hour glass figure, sexual napalm, (whatever the fuck that was). The bitch probably knew it, too, and she knew exactly how to use it to get what she wanted from anyone willing to give her the time of day. The string of broken hearts and shattered souls left in her wake was daunting; all pawns she had chewed up and spat out in her little game of conquest. What she was trying to win in the end, only Vriska knew. Only she knew how many irons she had in the fire and just the hell they were for.

It was more than just her body; Karkat would give her that much credit, though he was loathe to admit it. At least he didn’t have to admit it out loud. It was a combination of that body, her conniving mind, and her fast thinking mouth that would draw you in like a moth to a flame. She acted like a brainless, shallow, self-absorbed bimbo sometimes, but it was all an act, all expect the self-absorbed part. It was an act so convincing that even the most intelligent, rational idiots weren’t immune to falling for it. Karkat couldn’t understand it, just what it was Vriska did to lure people in when everyone knew what a real bitch she was. It was mind boggling! But Vriska knew how to use the gifts given to her like it was an art form. It was cheating, really. It made her look like an even bigger, insufferable bitch, and Karkat was sure that he wasn’t the only one that thought so.

He considered himself lucky to have never fallen between the crosshairs of Vriska’s schemes. He’d like to think that he was above her head games and manipulations, and he’d tell anyone that thought to ask just as much! But… deep down he couldn’t help but doubt… to wonder if he would have really been immune. It was easy enough to detect from the outside looking in, but… if he had been caught in the storm would he have been able to resist it? He’d like to think so. At least after seeing her in action, he’d like to think he had developed immunity. Vriska’s poisonous web would never snare him now.

It had been enough to trap him, though… No, not him, Karkat… Him…! That idiot!

_It's a matter of time  
Before we all run out_

He should have seen it coming. Looking back on it now, the signs were all there. He was friendly and kind to everyone, from the highest of elites, to the lowest of the dregs. No one was immune to that brilliant smile, or even to his prankster’s gambit. Even Vriska had been stunned into awed silence more than once by that doofy, grin and that silly, embarrassing, blunt as a sledgehammer wit. In some ways he was as big of an asshole as she was a bitch… but he was also an infinitely better person.

Karkat should have seen it coming. It had been the perfect lure, hadn’t it? And the idiot hadn’t even meant to do it. He never meant to do it; that was part of the lure. John Egbert was dangerous in his ignorance. That oblivious, saccharine sweet smile was the ultimate weapon. It far surpassed Vriska’s luring curves and poisonous lips, leaving them in the dust.

It had been the same lure that caught Karkat as well, though he fought valiantly to break free. It had been hopeless, of course. There was no fighting the force of nature that was John Egbert. To this day, Karkat couldn’t tell what the weapon was exactly; it couldn’t be his beaver teeth, or his freckled cheeks. It certainly wasn’t those glasses that bugged out his eyes, or the way he would laugh when he didn’t understand what someone was saying to him. He thought he had hated him at first, hated him with the purest, smoldering black that this universe, or any other, had ever known. Sometimes he still felt that trickle of hate, but it wasn’t as intense before. Now he felt… pity… was it pity? It sort of felt like pity… but that wasn’t exactly right, either. Whatever it was, it wouldn’t leave him alone. John Egbert was the cause, but he was also the cure.

John was a push over idiot, and his sense of humor was horrible, as was his taste in movies. His ‘prankster’s gambit’ was a joke that everyone but John was in on, no one was fooled by his so-called pranks, though occasionally they let John think they were. He was gullible and stupidly trusting. People would hurt him and he’d just brush it off like a speck of dust off his shoulder. Everything that was John Egbert screamed ‘SUCKER’ and ‘EASY TARGET,’ so what the hell was this weapon that he didn’t even know he used against them?! Whatever it was, it was a force to be reckoned with. And when Karkat had finally surrendered, the idiot only had one thing to say to him:

“I’m sorry, but I’m not a homosexual."

John had blushed and looked up at him with those big, blue eyes. The honest, sincere concern and lament in those eyes, like he really was sorry that he couldn't be gay for Karkat, to be what the other wanted him to be, was the ultimate blow. It had ripped apart the very fabric of his existence.

Not a homosexual… NOT A HOMOSEXUAL?!

After all that smiling, the teasing, the friendly touches, the one armed hugs, the invasion of personal space, all those stupid pranks he had endured, the horrible movies, and those glistening eyes that were too blue to be real?! Did that idiot have any idea just what the hell he was doing to people?! Not even that ironic motherfucker, Strider, with all his cool, expressionless faces, sick rhymes, and amazing hair, had any game on John and his adorable stupidity! Karkat wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if Dave wasn’t ensnared by John’s charm, too! It would actually explain a hell of a lot!

It had been the most embarrassing moment of his life! Seven words had been enough to steal every last ounce of his dignity and pride, to completely shatter his ego! But just as easily John had picked up the tattered remains of his soul, and with a smile that both rejuvenated Karkat and ripped him to shreds, he added seven more words to destroy him utterly and completely:

“But we can still be friends, right?”

Right…? RIGHT?!

Right… Karkat had given in; of course they could be friends. He was a masochistic shithole and he’d bask and writhe in agony under John Egbert’s halo of perfection and friendly friendship.

He should have seen it coming. He obviously couldn’t have been the only one.

_When I thought he was mine  
She caught him by the mouth_

But he had developed a plan. An utterly brilliant plan of pure brilliance! Terezi had helped him with it, but when it would be time to give credit where credit was due, he'd just keep it all for himself… maybe a little for her, just to keep her from turning on him. He’d worm his way into John’s heart, just as the shithead had worked his way into his. He’d play this friendship game; he’d be John's every fucking thing and more. And when John realized that he could never feel for anyone the way he did for Karkat Vantas, he wouldn’t turn John away.

He’d smirk triumphantly (because grinning was stupid and only meant for retarded wrigglers, or perfect, buck-toothed angels who could pull it off). He’d crook his neck a little to the side in a ‘come hither’ motion, and John would smile in pure ecstasy in that stupid, honest way of his, and rush into his arms. Those blue, blue eyes would look up at him in complete and utter awe and adoration, and music would play for just the two of them.

They’d embrace, lips locked, and fireworks would light up the sky. Perfect strangers would stop whatever the hell they were doing to applaud the perfection that was their union. John would taste sweet, his lips would be soft, the way that every part of a human was soft, but more so, and after the culmination of emotions had been ebbed and flowed between them, Karkat would sweep John off his feet and carry him off to some undisclosed location in the direction of the sunset, where their love would be forever recorded into the annals of time. And then the credits would roll on the most fucking perfect of happy endings that ever was or would be.

It hadn’t been easy, nothing with John was ever as easy as it seemed. Hell, half the time he was sure he was screwing everything up royally, but then John would just laugh and declare Karkat was ‘the best friend anyone could ever ask for.’ All while looking up at him with the nearly blinding, blue, blue eyes shining with love… or like… he wasn’t sure. The affect was intense in either case.

Heart: skip beat here.

Bastard! Stupid, goddamned, beautiful, perfect bastard! How he did so easily to him what Karkat gave his all into trying to do to him. He made it look so fucking easy, like it wasn’t even a thing! It left Karkat feeling like a fucking wriggler awed shitless, seeing the colors of the world outside the brooding caverns for the first time. Like the world, any world, hadn't truly existed, hadn't truly known what existing was, until there was John fucking Egbert!

But his plan was working, slowly but surely it was working. Every day he spent with John was one day closer to his perfect romcom ending. They’d hang out and eat together, nearly every waking moment they weren’t more than twenty feet apart from each other. John would talk, he would listen. John watched his shitty, shitty movies, and Karkat would be there with him, actually paying attention in the off chance John decided to quiz him on it. John played a stupid prank on him, and he'd actually bear with it, shit flipped only minimally. John would say something stupid and Karkat would refrain from mentioning just how stupid it was, most of the time. John wanted a fucking hug; Karkat would be the one to swallowing his pride and allow himself to be hugged and even pat hug lightly in return! It was all a process, but that look was coming over John’s eyes; the look that told Karkat that for once in his miserable, shitty, shitty life he was going to get what he wanted!

And then came the day:

At first he thought it was all some hallucination, that somehow Gamzee has slipped him some sopor slime and in his high daze he was having a bad trip and he had somehow walked straight into one of his worst nightmares. Vriska was slobbering all over John’s mouth, and John was smiling against those enthusiastic lips. It was horrible, it had to be a nightmare! But it was real, life was too cruel for it not to be. John spotted him in his peripheral vision and disengaged the Thief of Light (Thief of Egbert), and just smiled at him… He gave him such a warm fucking smile, Karkat was almost able to convince himself that this was going to be another strange prank that he wouldn’t understand.

“Karkat, guess what? Vriska and I are dating now, isn’t that great?”

Isn’t that great…? ISN’T THAT FUCKING GREAT?!

He had left the idiot alone for all of twenty minutes and the bitch swooped down for the kill like it was the fucking easiest thing in the world! All Karkat could see were those blue lips smirking at him, as they beckoned John away for their date, the swing of those deadly, sharp hips as she pressed her flesh lumps flushed against John’s body. The sight of their embrace would forever haunt his nightmares and bring bile up to the back of his throat. John was caught… caught in the web of those poisonous blue lips.

_I waited eight long months  
She finally set him free_

And finally back to the present, thank you for joining us!

Karkat was about ready to go shithead bonkers having to listen to John go on and on about the absolutely most perfect girlfriend in the world, Vriska.

"Vriska is so great!" That was a bold-faced lie, and John was the only one that didn’t realize it.

"Isn't Vriska just so funny?" Uh… no. Karkat had seen road kill funnier than Vriska

"Vriska says-" I don't give a shit!

"And then Vriska-" Shut the fuck up!

"Ha ha, you won't believe what just happened! Vriska and I-" Nope!

"Vriska."

"Vriska..."

"Vriska!"

"VRISKA!"

**AAAAAAAAAUGH!!!!**

If having to endure John’s litany to the exquisiteness that was Vriska Serket was torture, having to witness them making out was a million times worse! It destroyed him utterly and completely each and every time. He didn’t ever want to know if more than kissing ever went on. He might just seize up and die on the spot.

It didn’t last, though… It couldn’t. Vriska was, if nothing else, a simple creature of habit. She was a one trick pony with the attention span of a gnat. Even with the unbelievably ridiculous perfection of John Egbert in her dirty, grubby clutches, she eventually grew bored of the happy-go-lucky doof. John had made it all too easy for her, where was the challenge, the puzzle, the levels she would have to find ways to cheat through, in John Egbert? There was none! What you see in John Egbert is what you get! He certainly hadn’t been the first she had played her games with. Eridan Ampora, Tavros Nitram, and Kanaya Maryam were just the latest of her conquests before John, just to name a few. They all still suffered; once bitten the venom never fully left the system. They had all moved on… except Eridan… but Eridan never moved on… poor bastard.

It could have been different. So very easily it could have all been a different story. Vriska could have actually opened just one her eight fucking eyes and fallen into John’s loving, oblivious snare. So easily she could have loved him and held onto him to be forever matesprits. Maybe that was even the reason she finally let him go. She was the predator, never the prey, and John’s genuine charm, his perfect lure, probably scared her. There was no secret meaning with John, what he said is what he meant and the truth scared a lot of people. Still, her relationship with John had far outlasted all her others, it was obvious that Vriska had been tempted to give in.

Every breath Karkat took in that time was a jolting pain to his heart when all he could do was watch and wait.

But Vriska was indeed a creature of habit, and just when she thought that she had John wrapped around her little finger; when she was sure that John would need her to breathe, she cut him loose to the wind.

That had almost been as painful to watch as them being together. John wasn’t like them; he was so open and honest, defenseless in his every aspect. He had been so devastated. It had not been something that Karkat had been ready to handle. But he had been there to catch him when he was dumped so unceremoniously all the same, or at least he tried his best to be. Trying to understand human emotions, actions, and reactions was still a difficult concept for him. His own troll instincts certainly didn’t know what to do in this sort of situation, nor did they care to really learn. 

This went beyond instincts, though. He had awkwardly been there for the weeks of depression afterwards. He sat with John through sudden release of tears, wild and random needs for comfort and physical affection, gallons of ice cream, boxes of gushers, and weekend marathons of Nicholas Cage and Matthew McConaughey movies. Karkat now knew the entire script, word for word, and every accompanying expression and action to Con Air and How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days (though the latter he had already known).

It felt like a small eternity before those blue, blue eyes would look at him again with anything akin to a smile. It had been in the middle of ‘Gone in 60 Seconds.’ John had been completely absorbed in the movie, leaning forward on the couch, eyes wide and rapt with attention. Karkat was leaning back with a thoughtful frown. He supposed this was oddly like a romantic movie… in a way… certain parts of it anyway. It wasn’t his cup of tea, though.

John had suddenly leaned back and looked up at him, and Karkat once again felt all the blood rush to his face. All of it.

“Karkat… I just… I wanted to say thank you for this… for everything. You’re my best friend, I don’t know what I’d do without you,” John went in for one of his one armed hugs, resting his head on Karkat’s shoulder for a second with a nuzzle of affection. Just for a second…

He had lost it then.

_I told him I can't lie  
He was the only one for me_

John’s lips were even softer than Karkat had imagined them to be… though currently they tasted more like butter and popcorn than anything sweet. It wasn’t a bad taste, really…

Hands pushed at his chest, pushing the air out of his lungs painfully, forcing him to retreat.

“Mmnph! Karkat! W-what the hell?!”

Blood was rushing in the troll’s ears, eyes transfixed for on those kiss reddened lips. Lips now plump with blood… blood as red as his own. But those lips were currently set in a frown, not angry, but confused, maybe even hurt. Karkat sucked in a sharp breath. It was go time. He’d lay it all on the line now, risk losing everything, or he’d forever be a coward who’d never have the right or the bulge to try ever again. Now was the time to reach deep down inside to find the right words to make John understand what he had known all along!

Words failed him.

“Shit! Fuck! John! I… gogdammit! I… I just… Look I… I,” he could feel the heat of embarrassment bright on his cheeks. John’s worried, blue eyes were looking at him, really looking at him, waiting… expecting… hoping..? “Fuck, I just like you, okay! I can’t even tell if it’s black or red anymore, but I think it’s leaning more towards red now. You’re just so fucking pathetic and I can’t help but pity you, but then you do something weird and it’s really fucking weird and somehow amazing and I don’t pity you that much anymore, and it pisses me off, and fuck I can’t even understand it, but I can’t leave it alone! And I’m tired as fuck of watching you mope over that stupid cunt bitch Serket! Weh, weh! Why did she leave me?! What made me think I was so gogdamned special and different from all the other shit heads that she ever strung along?! I’m so stupid and pathetic, Karkat! Help me!”

“Karkat!”

“Fucking be my hero, Karkat! Watch these shitty ass movies with me while I go off the fucking deep end about the imaginary perfection of Vriska Serket, like she’s the motherfucking end all, be all of all fucking life! Weh, I miss her chapped blue lips, and her sharp teeth cutting into me every other fucking day, and the way she always put me and my best fucking friend, Karkat down! I’m such a spineless, pathetic pail of wriggler puke, and I can’t make it another day without her fucking chesticles in my face and her flat ass chafing my bone bulge!! Help me Karkat! Be there for me! Weh!”

“Fuck you! That isn’t-!”

“NO! But you know what, Egbert?! I’m fucking done holding your hand while you fucking cry about her! Only I’m not done at all and I’ll probably just stay here anyways, because I’m the biggest tool in the multiverse and you utilize me. I am the fucking tool that you utilize every fucking day. Because I have been fucking here for you every fucking day, day in and day out! Like some fucking, pathetic sponsor in the Vriska Serket Addictions Anonymous! I think I’ve done a very good job not flipping my shit out, wanting to tear out my own hair listening to you! And as much of an asshole as this makes me, I’ll continue to be here day in and day out, listening to you like life’s biggest chump! Every fucking day!

“There are no fucking bigger douche bag chumps in the universe, Egbert! None! It is me! I have it tattooed on my forehead! John Egbert’s Asshole Chump! And why?! Why do I give a damn?! Why would I ever want to subject myself to more of this bullshittery?! Because I’ve been here long before that bitch ever set her claws on you! I fucking saw you first! And I’ll continue to be here every fucking day! Because I’m John Egbert’s Pathetic, Desperate, Asshole Chump! I hope you’re happy! I am king of the asshole parade, and it is all your fucking fault!”

“Karkat…”

“What’s so fucking great about her anyways?! I’ll tell you! Nothing! Not a fucking thing is great about Vriska! She’s not even all that hot! On my worst day I’m still about a million fucking times better than she can ever hope to be on her best! And I’ve always been right the fuck here waiting every gogdamned day like some pathetic Karkat puppy waiting day in and day out for his John human to finally come home and pay attention to him! I’ve been right here! All along! And you won’t even fucking see me! Here, waiting for you to fucking realize that I’m the only fucking being in this whole fucking multiverse who will put up with all your shit, all of it, and your stupid jokes, and your god awful movies! I am sick and tired of all this fucking-!”

The second kiss was better than the first, though John’s glasses poked oddly at the bridge of his nose. The pain was worth it. The pain was the signal beacon that announced that everything had just changed. And the way his arms fell around John’s waist felt like the most natural thing in the world.

“Ow!”

“Oh fuck!”

And of course the best way to kiss John without cutting his soft human lips on his own troll sharp teeth would something that could be easily learned… with practice. Lots of practice.

_Two weeks and we caught on fire_

After that, things had moved so smoothly it was almost scary, like it was too good to be true. He, Karkat Vantas, was actually human dating John ‘Not A Homosexual’ Egbert. It was surprisingly easy, as easy as breathing. Very little had changed between them in the transition from friends to more than friends, it was like it was meant to be more all along. No one could really see any difference between them at all.

John still lacked a sense of personal space, but now, instead of being nearly shoulder to shoulder when they were walking or when they sat down, John would want to hold his hand and all but climb onto his lap and demand affection. Karkat only pretended to complain about it, he knew neither one of them was fooled, but he still did it for the sake of his ego. His ego didn’t know any better.

Out in public they didn’t seem too different. John would go on and on enthusiastically about whatever, and Karkat would idly nod and add a few words of input. Karkat was still subject to various pranks, but now, hugs and kisses were added to the John’s laughter, and it made it just a bit easier to bear with it all. Not that Karkat would ever admit to that, either.

Of course there was one huge difference; every chance they got to be alone was filled with sweet, hot, passionate, sloppy make outs. Being subjected to more Nic Cage movies was an easier punishment to bear when Karkat didn’t even have to watch them. Instead he’d pull John on top of him on the couch and the hours would pass by in seconds between their interlocked lips and the feel of the curvature of Egbert’s bubble butt under his hands.

“Mmnph…” John suddenly pushed away, drawing a growl from the troll beneath him. “Karkat, wait…”

“What? What do we possibly have to wait for? Con Air? You saw that movie at least twice yesterday! Nothing is going to fucking change if you miss it once!”

“No… T-that’s not it! I… I…”

“You better not fucking tell me that you think we’re moving too fast, Egbert, because I-!” his words cut themselves short when John suddenly pulled his shirt up and off over his head.

John was skinny, but not bony, he had freckles on his shoulders, and his skin was whiter where his shirts had shielded it from the sun, almost a milky white.

Karkat was left speechless for once, “Uh… I… uh…”

“Hehehe, yeah…” John laughed sheepishly, looking up at him shyly, “Umm… Karkat… these last two weeks have been really amazing! You’re still my best friend, but it’s even better now! A-and… I was hesitant at first, to do this at all with you… Because I… I was sure I wasn’t a homosexual… a-and that still scares me a little… but I do know that I like you a lot and… and I thought about this a lot, y’know… and… I think… I’m ready for the next step…”

“Mmnh…?” Karkat only half listened, staring at the pale pink buds of John’s nipples… it almost looked like they were drawing tight and getting harder under his watchful gaze. He shook his head to break their spell on him, looking into those hypnotic blue, blue eyes instead, “What’s the next step?”

John blushed and looked away, rubbing his arm sheepishly, “You know… s-second base… m-maybe third…”

“What? What the fuck are you talking about? What the hell is second or third base? What the hell does second and third base even mean?”

John turned redder still, “W-well… I… it… it means… well, when two people like each other a lot… a-and they want to show those feelings too each other… b-but they’re not ready to take that final step… they… well they…”

“Jegus, Egbert! Just fucking spit it out! I’m this fucking close to not caring that you’re half naked on top of me.” That was a lie, and Karkat knew it… He would never stop caring that John was half naked and on top of him. Never.

John fidgeted on his lap, the feeling was incredible. But he wasn’t even looking at him, and even the tips of his ears were bright red now. Humans blushed so easily. “I-it… it means…”

“Yeah?”

“It means…”

“For fuck’s sake, John!”

“It just means…”

“Okay, that’s it! The mood is dead. The mood is dead and the killer is you. Let’s just finish watching this shitty movie.”

“Ah! No! It means this!”

Karkat tensed, and it was his turn to feel the blood rise up to his face and color his cheeks equally red. The same fucking red as John’s blood. John’s hand had settled over Karkat’s lap, his fingers curled over his crotch with a light, warm pressure.

“Ah…” he shuddered, feeling the resulting heating of his sexual organs, the bulge throbbing and expanding painfully in the confines of his pants.

“O-oh!” John gasped, blushing so intensely his glasses fogged up.

They could only stare at each other now, across the line that John’s hand just crossed. John’s hand squeezed lightly.

“Nnh!” Karkat gasped, his hips bucking helplessly, “T-this is second base…?”

“O-or third…” John nodded.

Karkat removed John’s glasses, setting them aside, “I can do third base…” He leaned up to claim those plump lips again, but was stopped.

“W-wait… K-karkat… umm… j-just touching okay..? N-no going all the way… n-no… pail filling or whatever… o-okay…?”

A low growl rumbled deep in Karkat’s chest, vibrating between the two of them, “What the fuck ever, third base is fine.” He pulled John’s unresisting form in for another kiss, his hands freely exploring the soft body that until now had been an out of bounds area.

Life was good.

_She's got it out for me  
But I wear the biggest smile_

Paradise couldn’t last forever, though. A storm eventually settled over them. A storm that went by the alias of ‘Mindfang.’ It was just like Vriska to want something she couldn’t have anymore. A few weeks after he had started to date John the bitch had approached him again. She had worn her sluttish, most revealing pixie dress, exposing ample cleavage and thigh, and she had pressed up against him, like Karkat wasn’t even there, watching her in her shame.

“Joooooooohn, I’ve been looking for you, where have you been all this time? Why did you leave me like that? I miiiiiiiiss you! I was so stupid for ever letting you go! The biggest idiot of all time!!!!!!!! Do you think… T-that maybe you and I could give ‘us’ another chance? I’ll be really good this time, I swear~!!!!!!!! Pleeeeeeeease???????? We can go see that Nic Cage movie you promised you were going to show me! What do you say?”

A cold dread seeped its way into Karkat’s stomach. Once bitten the poison never fully left the system, he was sure that even Kanaya or Tavros would have given into to the siren’s call. What chance to did gullible John have at resisting Vriska? And Vriska was a girl; that would be more natural to John, right? Would this be the end? Was he about to witness the end of it all right here and now? Those spider eyes flicked over in his direction, and those poisonous blue lips pulled up in a cruel smirk. She knew exactly what she was doing.

Or so she thought.

John, being ever the gentleman, carefully detangled himself from the clingy girl without appearing too rude about it. His smile was sweet and polite, a bit embarrassed.

“Wow… that’s really sweet of you and all Vriska, and I’m really flattered and all, but I’m with Karkat now.”

He’s with Karkat now… He’s with MOTHERFUCKING KARKAT NOW! Take that, you manipulative bitch!

“W-whaaaaaaaa????????”

“But we can still be friends, right?”

Karkat couldn’t believe his ears! The shoe was on the other fucking foot now! John Egbert was too stupid to be affected by Serket’s poison! Stupidity was the immunity! And Vriska! Vriska looked like she had just swallowed a mouthful of sour, grimy shit! It was a look that would forever be burned into Karkat’s memory, and whenever he was feeling particularly pissed off, he would remember that face… and he would smile… just as he was smiling now.

She glared at him, like he had orchestrated this whole thing just to humiliate her, a look so fierce he would have burst into flames if he had been a lesser troll… as it was it only made him smile more. Karkat Vantas grinned cruelly, triumphantly, at the blue blooded she-beast. She could glare all she wanted, John Egbert was his.

_I never meant to brag_  
But I got him where I want him now  
It was never my intention to brag  
To steal it all away from you now 

It was a rush, having John choose him over Vriska, over anyone else, like a natural high. Knowing that he had essentially stolen John from under that spider bitch’s nose was an even better high.

After that incident he had to lead John away quickly before he ended up making out with him then and there in front of everyone! John Egbert was his, he wanted to shout it out into the endless void, but instead he devoured his lips. He was getting good at doing it without accidently cutting John’s mouth or tongue against his teeth.

John’s skin was incredibly soft, too. Like almost too soft to be real. Karkat loved to smooth his hand over it again and again, kneading, groping, and drawing breathy moans from the boy he had pinned to the bed. He used to think beds were one of the stupidest inventions humans had ever created. Really? Horizontal blocks of fluff? Where was the slime? How could the box spring fluff ever hope to soothe the natural rage pent up inside them? But they were pretty good for this… there was no way he could make both of them fit into a slime pod, and on a bed they could roll and tumble around to their heart’s content… until they fell to the floor.

_But God, does it feel so good_  
'Cause I got him where I want him now  
And if you could then you know you would  
'Cause God, it just feels so  
It just feels so good 

Had Vriska ever done this with John? Karkat couldn’t help but wonder. And if she had, what kind of moron was she to just give it up? He would never be that stupid.

John’s skin tasted like blueberries, but saltier. It was a strange and addicting taste. He loved to suck at the little hollows of his collar bone, it made John make this shaky, laughing sound that would make his stomach muscles flutter. Karkat liked to leave his mark there, just barely hidden by a shirt collar. Any little shift in the cloth would show his claim to the universe.

And John’s body was warm, too… It would heat up more in times like this, inviting Karkat to just nestle in on top of him to drive away the cold of space, drawing a comfortable rumbling from deep within his chest. The lower he went, the hotter he got, the stronger the tart taste of blueberries became to his senses. It surrounded him, entranced him until John became his favorite taste and smell.

_Second chances they don't ever matter  
People never change_

Vriska was persistent, though. If that was a compliment at all, it would be one Karkat was loathe to give her. It was probably still true. She was still a cheater, though. She always had been, and she always would be. That bitch had somehow learned his technique for winning John over. More than likely Terezi told her, she always did like to mess with people’s lives to try to make them ‘interesting.’ Gogdamned meddlesome meddler. She was worse than Kanaya! At least Kanaya meant well with her meddling!

Vriska accepted John’s proposal for continued friendship, and John was, of course, happy to keep Vriska as a friend. Karkat just wanted to slam his head against the wall. Vriska would cheat, she would always cheat. While he had bided his time and hoped that John would come to his senses on his own, Karkat knew that Vriska would do all she could to wedge between them and take John for herself. Why hadn’t he done that? God, he was the shittiest troll to have ever existed! He swore sometimes he was worse than John!

“Don’t you see what she’s doing?!”

“What? I think it’s nice that we can still be friends after everything! Most ex-couples can’t do that!”

“Please don’t tell me you’re really this fucking stupid! There’s a reason most of them can’t remain friends! She wants you back to play her stupid game again! It’s called ‘Shatter The Idiot’s Heart and Soul,’ she’s on level ‘Egbert’ and it’s round fucking two!”

“That sounds like a really stupid game, Karkat…”

“Errrrgh! You stupid… fucknuts! Just listen to me, goddammit! She’s doing it on purpose! She’s trying to get close to you and come between us!”

“You don’t know that!”

“Yes I fucking do! She’s doing it now!”

“No! That’s you doing that! … Don’t you trust me, Karkat?”

Those words… they were a ticking time bomb waiting to explode, but Karkat had watched enough romcons to know to detect them, and even to diffuse them.

He sighed and relaxed his shoulder, looking down at his feet, “Of course I trust you,” John was too stupid to be conniving after all, “It’s her I don’t trust.” Conniving was Vriska’s middle name.

“Then trust me not to fall for the games you think she’s playing. We’re still best friends, right?”

Those words always put him on edge, how easy those words could be the header to the end report, but now was not the time to be flipping his shit over phrases that made him paranoid, “Yeah…”

“And I’m… w-with you now, right?” John blushed as he climbed onto Karkat’s lap, peeking up at him through long, black lashes.

Human skin looked lovely when it was painted underneath by their blood, Karkat would have to give them that. He smirked lightly, “Right.”

“Then what are you worried about? Anyone can try whatever the hell they want, I’m still with you, okay?”

Admittedly, that did help him to feel better, “Okay.” John’s soft lips, brushed against the corner of Karkat’s, the troll parting them easily to him.

“So we can all be friends, right? You, me, and Vriska?

“Fuck no!”

“Karkat!”

“No, Egbert! You can be Vriska’s happy time, go to punching bag, but not me! I’m too smart for her games and one of us has to be uninfected to help pull the other out when she tries to bite into you again!”

“Karkat, she’s really not that bad!”

“Yes she fucking is! How can you not know that after dating her?!”

“Karkat!”

“No!”

“Please?”

“Fuck you! There is no way I’ll ever be happy time pals with Serket! There is no amount of currency or bribery, past or present, that will even make me be friends with her!”

“For me?”

… GUH! Those big blue eyes were too fucking hard to resist. And Karkat knew that if he tried, John would just climb off his lap and deny him access to the promise land that was his rounded backside.

“Pleeease?” He didn’t draw it out as much as Vriska; he’d give him that much credit, but it was still fucking annoying

“Don’t fucking do that!”

So these were his options: Befriend Vriska and make John happy, or don’t befriend Vriska and lose access to Johnland for an indeterminate amount of time…

…

Fuck, he was such a tool!

_Once a whore, you're nothing more  
I'm sorry, that'll never change_

So here he was, facing his ultimate nemesis with John playing intermediary, like he was there gogdamned auspistice… the implications were so nauseating he felt himself swallow back bile just looking at her.

“Now I know both of you haven’t exactly gotten along in the past…” John started with placating tones, looking mostly at Karkat, because Vriska was smiling so sweetly, like that cat that just got the crème.

“I’ve aaaaaaaalways tried to be friends with you Karkat, but you never let me.”

“Fuck you, you fucking bi-!”

“Karkat!”

He winced, feeling his blood boiling, but John was giving him that look now, so he reigned in the rage as best as he was able, “Yeah, fine…”

Vriska looked like she was holding in her own gleeful cackles and Karkat felt his face heat up with the shame. No doubt she probably thought him a whipped dog now, the way he gave into John’s reprimands. Behave little Karpuppy before you get smacked on the nose with a rolled up newspaper. Fuck, this was so embarrassing. He just wanted to dig himself a hole and bury himself in it. But he wouldn’t give the arachnid freak that satisfaction. She could shove her dice right up her nook for all he cared. He squared his shoulders and looked back at her smug face and imagined it bloody and lumpy with bruises.

“So… anyways… you’re both my friends. And you’re both important people to me. I just want the important people in my life to get along; it makes me sad that you can’t. So I’m really happy that you both agreed to settle whatever hatchet you have between you and finally be friends.”

Vriska’s blue lips curled up even more cruelly, her eight eyes taunting him, calling him Egbert’s whipped slobber beast among many other things that he didn’t want to reflect too deeply on. The bitch could think what she wanted; he knew that she was just biding her time to reclaim John as her own. He wouldn’t let that happen.

The she-devil reached out her hand to him, eyes closed, head tilted slightly to one side in a mockery to a friendly gesture, “Friends?”

_And about forgiveness  
We're both supposed to have exchanged_

He stared at her hand like it was a poisonous snake poised to strike. He glanced at John who nodded encouragingly. Gog-fucking-dammit. He had agreed to this… and he knew that John would not let this go until he went through with it. What was the point to this anyways?! Neither one of them meant it! Vriska would sooner eat her own eyes than be friends with him. He would sooner shove her stupid bi-factored horn up his ass then do the same. Yet here they both were, staring each other down, Vriska with her hand extended vulnerably out to him… all for a stupid human named John Egbert… His powers were even more frightening than Sollux hopped up on mind honey.

Karkat exhaled sharply. This would make John happy. A happy John was better than an unhappy one. A happy John was a John more willing to give him access to places that would normally make him feel uncomfortable to be touched. An unhappy John would be the bane of his young, hormonally overdriven existence. An unhappy John would cut him off completely and just sulk at him while he still made him endure nightly Nicholas Cage marathons. It would be all the suffering with none of the perks. Fuck if he was going to let that happen. He had had a taste of the Promised Land, he wasn’t about to give it up just because he didn’t trust Vriska as far as he could throw her. She wanted to play her games, well fucking game on! The John Cup would be his and she could lick his muddy hoof for all he cared.

Feeling time slow down to a trickle, Karkat saw his own hand reach out for Vriska’s claw and, taking it in a firm grasp, gave it a hard shake once, then let it go.

“Friends…”

“Great!” John beamed and pulled them both into one armed hugs.

“Ugh! Egbert! Let go!” Karkat struggled; the scent and touch of the female troll invading his senses and making his skin break out in gooseflesh.

“Aww! Don’t be shy, Karkat! We’re all pals now, right? This is just a pal hug.”

“C’mon Karky! Huuuuuuuug~!” Vriska squealed in delight and pulled Karkat to her chest, John laughing as he squeezed them both tighter together. The bitch was reveling in every second she could make Karkat uncomfortable.

It was a ploy, that was fairly obvious, a scheme to drive Karkat away by making him uncomfortable, thus leaving the she-beast alone with John. Well Karkat wasn’t an idiot, though many people assumed he was, and it probably was understandable. He did some pretty stupid things when he was angry, and he was almost always angry. But this rage went beyond lack of forethought. This anger came with an intense, focused calm. John was on the line here… and Karkat was not going to lose. Not to her, not to anyone. But especially not to her.

Vriska’s sins were piling up around her, all the people she had played with. Eridan, Kanaya, Tavros… it wasn’t even always about romantic manipulation, just about manipulation… Terezi, Aradia, Sollux… they had all been victims of her games… like hell was Karkat going to let John join the ranks of them. He almost had… but Vriska had let go too early. A miscalculation… but a cheetah doesn’t change its stripes, or however the fuck that human saying went. Once a manipulative bitch, always a manipulative bitch.

_I'm sorry honey but I'm passing up  
Now look this way_

“Hey, Egbert,” a cool voice broke the tension in the group, the tension that John was oblivious to.

The bespectacled youth smiled brightly at his shade wearing friend, “Hey Dave! What’s up?”

“Come over here, I need to talk to you about something,” the cool kid flicked his fingers once in a c’mere motion, cocking his head to the side for effect. Terezi was with him, cackling. They were usually joined at the hip these days, it was a little disgusting.

“About what?” John tilted his own head to the side, failing to recapture Dave’s nonchalant image, looking more like a puppy dog, instead.

Dave smirked, “Private business, man… Get over here and leave the John John Jamboree Club behind.”

John snorted with a soft laugh, “I’ll be right there.” He looked back and forth between his two friends, one his ex, and the other his current, his best friend, “I’ll be right back guys, wait up for me.” He waved cheerfully and bounced off after the blonde.

Really… how could he have ever thought he wasn’t even a little bit gay?

“Joooooooohn~! Waaaaaaaait!” Vriska whined in a sing-song voice and attempted to follow the Heir of Breath’s retreating form. She was stopped by a strong grip around his wrist.

“Karkat. Ugh, what do you waaaaaaaant?! Can’t you see I’m busy?”

“Shut up.”

Two eyes with eight pupils blinked in surprise, then narrowed knowingly, blue lips pulling up in that insufferable smirk once again. “What’s the matter, Karkat? I thought we were all palchums now. I just want to talk to John for a bit. You don’t have to be so obviously jealous. Though I guess I can understand why you would be. I mean who wouldn’t be jealous of someone like me talking to their boyfriends? It would take someone who is really assured by their relationship not to be, and honestly I don’t think you have it in you.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Karkat’s voice was rough, but even, calm, even with the underlying growl. “You’re fucking mind games won’t work on me. You can have everyone else fooled, and you can even have those who aren’t fooled wrapped around your little finger, but that’s not gonna work on me. I see right through you.”

Glinting white fangs peeked through blue lips, “Oh? I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m really trying to be good here and help you out in your relationship.”

“Just shut your fucking bulge stuffer.”

“Cute, Karkles, but if you don’t mind, I’ve got way too many things to do to just stand around and swap banters with you.” Vriska kept glancing after John’s retreating form, not even deigning to give Karkat her full attention, barely even a fraction of it, really.

She attempted to dislodge the tight hold on her wrist, only to be yanked back hard, blue lashed eyes widening in surprise, finally looking at the troll barely taller than her. She didn’t know Karkat was actually this strong. She winced when his free hand gripped her chin and forced her to meet his eyes.

“You fucking look at me.”

_Well there's a million other girls_  
Who do it just like you  
Looking as innocent as possible  
To get to who 

Vriska inhaled sharply, eyes wide in shock. This was definitely a side of Karkat she had never seen before… and she was loathed to admit it to herself, but it was a little bit of a turn on.

“I know what you’re up to,” he accused her.

She smiled sweetly. She had expected this. He was so predictable, so pathetic… so booooooooring! “I don’t know what you’re talking about. What am I up to?”

“This friendship thing with John, as if you could ever be friends with someone you’re done with. I know you. Once you’re done with someone they’re not worth your time of day. You’re not done with John, that’s what this is about.”

So he saw more than she expected, so what? “Ugh, you’re so paranoid. John is a cool guy, can’t I want to be friends with a cool guy? What’s it to you, anyways?”

“Can it. You look at me and you fucking listen. You think you’re so fucking clever. You think just because you’ve gotten away with your little game so far that you’re unstoppable. You think you’re the first tart who ever tried to manipulate everyone around them? Well fuck you, you’re not and you’re not even that great at it. Terezi owns your ass in manipulations.”

Vriska visibly bristled; she hated being compared to Terezi more than anything else. How did she do it? She didn’t even have any special mental abilities, how did she manage to know and manipulate people so perfectly? Ugh, forget her! She wasn’t important right now.

“What makes you think-!”

“Shut your fucking mouth, I’m not done. You want to pretend to be John’s friend to get closer to him. Worm your way back in and try, and I do repeat: try to poison him again. Well go right the fuck ahead, you go and try. It’ll tickle me right in my bulge to see you stumble over your own fucking feet and falling flat on your face.”

Another shock to her system, another unwanted jolt of… of… feeling for this pathetic excuse of a troll. “Ah-!!!!!!!!” Vriska tried to interject, but was silenced by a finger to her lips. She felt a shiver run down her spine.

“No… Don’t even try… it won’t work. When it comes to quadrants, every aspect about them, there is no way you can beat me, there’s nothing you can try that I haven’t thought of first. The knowledge is mine. You can think of me as the motherfucking romance king if it helps you cement the idea in the shriveled up husk you call your think pan.”

Vriska was beyond words, staring up at Karkat. Seriously, who was this guy? Where had this confident guy come from and what had he done to the flailing, paranoid spazz? When did he start getting so… good????????

“You’re not the first one to think it’s fun to play with people’s emotions, nubsucker. It’s not clever or original; really I don’t see what you’re trying to prove.”

“You… yoooooooou!” she raged, inwardly, outwardly, but words still failed him.

“But go ahead and try,” Karkat went on with a nonchalant shrug of his shoulders, feeling like he was in the calm of the storm and all the words were coming to him just like he wanted them to. “But it’s completely unlike you to come back to your discarded tissue wads, Vriska. What’s your deal?”

“Ah… I… I…”

It was Karkat’s turn to smirk smugly, “You got scared.” It wasn’t a question, “John fucking scared you. You were starting to lose control of the situation and that fucking scared you. John is the real deal and you ran away like a rocket propelled cluck beast on crack.”

"You...!!!!!!!!"

_They want and what they like  
It's easy if you do it right_

Karkat cut her off again, "You almost had him, too. You could have had him forever and had dozens of derp luck wrigglers, but that’s no fun, right Vriska?” Karkat’s voice was a low, rumbling rasp, “Happily ever fucking after is too boring for a simple creature like you... Or rather, it’s too complicated and frightening for you. You could never give up trying to see how many people you can break just to prove you're better than them; you could never admit that someone could be your equal, let alone your better. I bet you even convinced yourself that you just want another round with John just to see how far he's willing to go for you, how far he'd let himself fall into humiliation and degradation, because obviously there could never be any other reason. But you'll never get that chance again. I'll make sure of that. Because Egbert fucking belongs to me now."

Vriska was shaking with a mixture of fury that she couldn’t put to words and fear that she refused to put to words. How… For a second she looked at Karkat and saw Terezi superimposed over him, like she was letting him use her ability, able to see right through her every move before she even made them. She gasped sharply, barely containing a scream. She was barely gripping her composure with the tips of her fingers and it was starting to escape it. She grasped at straws, anything that would throw Karkat off balance and return the game to her court.

“Is that right?! You think you have it all figured out, don’t you? Well here’s something you haven’t thought about. You forgot one little thing, didn’t you Karky? Remember that little ability I’ve used on you before… I can make you break up with John and then it’d be me that he’d run to!”

That should have sent Karkat into a scared rage, it should have made him flip his shit, making him scream an uncountable amount of expletives at her, instead he just raised an eyebrow and just looked amused, like she had just said something highly entertaining.

“That’s your grand master plan now? Pathetic.”

Urrrrrrrrrgh!!!!!!!!

She pasted on a smirk, flipping back her hair, “What you think you’re suddenly immune now? Want to test that out?”

Karkat laughed, he actually laughed, a soft and quiet sound. “Go right the fuck ahead… If you can actually make it work you better hope that you can hold onto it forever, because the moment you’d let me go I’d just explain to John what happened.”

Damn, he was right. Ugh! Ugh! UGH!!!!!!!!

“What if you came upon an unfortunate accident? No way you could come back and explain to John if you’re dead.”

Karkat had no idea where this calm was coming from, but it was like one of the best highs in his life, “Okay, firstly… dream bubbles, you remember those? Secondly, if I suddenly died just after this, you don’t think John would suspect you of offing me?”

He was right, fuck how could this be Karkat? Vriska shrugged in what she hoped was a nonchalant manner, “So what? He’s forgiven me for killing before. He forgave me for killing Tavros.” That was right… John liked her enough to forgive her anything, even murder.

“Ah… but you see… the difference between then and now is that John didn’t even fucking know who Tavros was… You think you can get away with killing someone close to him now?”

Damn… damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, DAMN!!!!!!!!

“You…You…!

Karkat silenced her with a finger to her lips. His lips were pulled up in a smirk as he looked down at her. He cupped her cheek, stroking his thumb along her jaw, just barely brushing her ear, making her shiver.

“W-wha…?” Vriska mentally winced when her voice waivered like that. What the fuck was this?!

Karkat drew her close, looking straight into her shocked eyes, “Do you hate me now, Vriska..? Do you want to kill me, utterly destroy me? Is it intense? Blacker than black? I hate you…”

“W-wha????????” her heart constricted painfully in her chest. What was this?!

“You’re a lying, manipulative, scheming bitch. I used to think you were just really annoying, but this goes far beyond that now…” Karkat drew the clawed nail on his thumb to just scratch along Vriska’s throat, just enough to raise a welt, without cutting the skin. 

His voice was soft, just above a whisper, with a rasp that sent shivers down her spine. His eyes were black, intense, flecks of red giving it the appearance of smoldering embers. Her breath stuttered in her chest and she felt the heat of a blush blossom over her cheeks. This… w-what was this..?

“I….”

Karkat smirked and drew away, “How fucking easy was that? Your game is for three sweeps old grubblings. Like I said, it’s not original or clever in the least.”

The heat was gone, replaced with an artic chill. It numbed out her rage and left her quiet and still. Her knees threatened to buckle.

_Well I refuse, I refuse, I refuse_

“Pathetic.”

“Karkat…?”

_Whoa, I never meant to brag  
But I got him where I want him now_

The two trolls turned at once to regard the bespectacled human. Just how long had John been standing there?

The calm was starting to ebb and Karkat felt the first trickle of fear seep into the pit of his stomach. “Egbert.”

John walked up to him, looking into his eyes for a long moment. He glanced at Vriska for a moment, the poor bitch still frozen still, then he looked back at him.

He slipped his hand into Karkat’s and gave it a gentle squeeze, “Let’s go.”

And just like that the calm was back, “Yeah.”

_Whoa, it was never my intention to brag  
To steal it all away from you now_

Mine! The thought was so strong in his head that he was sure that he could psychically transit it to everyone else, letting them know without words and John Egbert was completely and unequivocally his.

He only glanced back at Vriska once as they headed back to John’s respite block. She was still frozen still… Good… Fucking perfect. Let her watch as John made his choice in him and not her.

“Just how much of that did you hear?” Karkat asked John quietly, not having the nerve to look at him for his answer.

John’s hold on his hand tightened just a bit more, “Enough…” John wasn’t looking at him either, just staring intently ahead, his brow furrowed thoughtfully. Just what was going through his mind?

_But God, does it feel so good  
'Cause I got him where I want him now_

He got his answer when John shoved him up against the recently closed door and kissed the air straight out of his lungs.

“Mmmnph! John?!” Karkat asked breathlessly as he drew away before he passed out.

John had the decency to blush, though he didn’t look very apologetic in the least, “S-sorry… I… I just… you were right… About Vriska, and all those things you said… that you’d make sure she wouldn’t do that to me again… I told you to trust me, but I should trust you more, too.”

Karkat blinked… once, twice, three times, then sighed, ducking down to rest his forehead against John, “It’s about fucking time you realized that. But just stop, okay? I’ve had enough of Vriska and talk of Vriska to last me the rest of the fucking year.”

“Yeah, okay…” a short silence fell between then, John not letting off the troll against the door, “Karkat?”

“Mmnh?” Karkat was simply enjoying the simple pleasure of his arms draped over the slight curvature of John’s hips.

His answer was another kiss, this one deeper, warmer, tempting the blood to boil over. With a rumbling growl Karkat flipped them over, pinning John’s slighter frame with his body. Tongues met, clashed, and dueled somehow managing to work around the clothes as they were discarded to the floor. Blueberries… always the underlying taste of blueberries.

_And if you could then you know you would_  
'Cause God, it just feels so  
It just feels so good 

They tumbled around, bumping into furniture, stumbling over their own feet, refusing to let each other go long enough to even see where they were going. They stopped for a moment when they fell onto the couch. Karkat flipped them over again so that John was on top of him in nothing but his underwear. His pink skin was flushed dark, his lips plump and reddened, slightly parted as he panted for breath. His glasses were skewed on the bridge of his nose.

Karkat chuckled softly, “You should fucking see yourself, Egbert…”

If it was possible, John blushed darker, “What about you?

“What about me? I’m your god, a sex god, I can’t look anything but sweetly dripping nectar over rose petals.”

“Karkat…”

“I am pure pheromones to you, Egbert. It’s really a fucking miracle that you were able to resist me as long as you have, but you needn’t worry anymore. I will be gentle with you.”

John laughed, “Karkat…”

“Shoosh… no more words, only action now.”

“And just what do you know about ‘action,’ Karkat?” That big doofy grin on John’s face was growing to be oddly endearing.

“Well far more than you, obviously, your whole planet and every single aspect of it is based on what we wanted our new world to be, so of course that includes methods of intercourse for the sake of reproduction.”

“Ugh, bluh, bluh, bluh, I helped create your universe, I’m so full of myself, bluh, bluh. You’re kinda really killing the mood now, Karkat. Besides, I bet you don’t know any more than I do.”

“Oh, I’ll show you what I know!” they fell onto each other again, lips locking, limbs failing, clinging, bodies arching.

_I watched his wildest dreams come true  
And not one of them involving you_

It was awkward, embarrassing and just a bit painful sometimes. But Karkat wouldn’t trade in this moment for all the experience in the world. Finding new scents and tastes, new ways to make John gasp and moan. He shivered each time that John would find a spot on him that would make his whole body tingle pleasantly, then burn until he couldn’t think anymore.

There was a point right at the inner juncture of John’s leg and hip that made him quiver and whisper his name like a litany. The scent of his musk was surprisingly soft, but intoxicating, not heady and overpowering like his was to the human. And he was starting to think that maybe he was right… maybe he really was like an aphrodisiac to John. It wasn’t a vain thought, more of a curious one. The more turned on he became, the stronger the scent of his musk, the wilder John seemed to become, more desperate, he would cry out for him. Watching him was like an aphrodisiac in and of itself.

“K-karkat!” John’s breathless gasp made his sex thrum almost painfully, but he couldn’t get enough of the feeling. “Ah…! Please… Nnh! I… I want to.”

“Uhn!” Those three words were potent. Feeling a shiver run down his spine, settling in his groin like magma, he ducked down and licked the hollow of John’s throat, nibbling along his jaw before claiming his lips again.

_Just watch my wildest dreams come true  
Not one of them involving (you)_

“Aah!” the heat of John’s body as it enveloped him was incredible. His body was so soft, but it clung around him so tightly, undulating around him, massaging, drawing him in deeper, he was sure this was what euphoria was actually like.

Slowly, surely, carefully, torturously, Karkat gently rocked himself deeper and deeper with short, shallow thrusts. Each one drawing out a soft keening moan from John until they were both settled.

Panting for breath, he waited, for his heart to not feel like it was going to explode in his chest, until he felt that he wouldn’t lose it all if he so much as shifted his hips. He rested his forehead on John’s fevered brow. Their breaths mingled, his sweat dripping onto John’s cheek.

Hypnotically blue eyes looked up into his own dark gray ones, bright with suppressed tears. He ignored the pain of his body being invaded in a place it wasn’t strictly meant to be, and instead he clung to Karkat tighter, feeling open and vulnerable and completely safe and right.

They kissed, long and slow and languorous as if trying to cool the scorching heat of their joined bodies. But it wasn’t meant to be, the slow kisses only stoking the fires instead. John shifted, just a little, and gasped. Karkat growled, a low and rumbling sound and rocked forward.

…. It didn’t last long, it was almost embarrassingly short, really. But both boys were gasping their completion in the end, and John clung to him so tightly, it felt like he was trying to fuse their bodies together.

They cuddled, it was embarrassing, but John insisted… and for his compliance, Karkat was rewarded with another go an hour later, and this time he managed to make John scream.

_Whoa, I never meant to brag_

No wait… Yeah, I totally fucking did.

**Author's Note:**

> Art commissioned from boratoki on Tumblr!


End file.
